Validation

The desire to be validated is a very human experience. It is not exclusive to insecure individuals, women, or people with training in psychology. It is the very rare person indeed who doesn't enjoy being validated by others.

But what is validation, anyway? Most of us are a little fuzzy on this concept, and for good reason: Validation is pretty hard to come by in everyday life. We're not familiar enough with it to know it inside out.

Let's talk first about what validation feels like when you're on the receiving end, and then we'll see an example of what validation looks like in the real world.

Validation is a gift. When someone validates us, we feel like we're no longer alone. We're not crazy to feel the way we feel. Someone understands us. Our words, actions and/or feelings make sense to another person. They're not judging us for how we feel, so we can relax in their presence, and let down our defenses. They're truly with us.

Here's a simple example:

Ed: I don't know why I can't get over Pogo's death.
Teresa: You loved that dog, Ed. His death was a real loss for you.
Ed: I still miss him every day.
Teresa: Yes. He used to go everywhere with you, and now he's gone.

In this example, Teresa is validating Ed's feelings by making sense of them for him. Even if Teresa has never had any pets herself, and can't imagine being emotionally attached to an animal, she knows that Ed loved Pogo, and is grieving his loss. There is no judgment in her voice or her heart, just a desire to let Ed know that he's not crazy, wrong or silly to miss his dog.

By validating Ed's grief, Teresa is making it okay for him to feel the way he feels. This is what validation means. It truly is okay for people to feel the way they feel. No one ever got hurt by someone else having a feeling (see the article Dealing with Anger if you don't believe me). So when you validate someone, you make it okay for them to have the feelings they already have, and the relief they experience can be enormous. It's a very compassionate thing to do, and very bonding for both of you as well.

Validating grief over a loss is relatively easy, since most adults have some personal experience with grief and can easily understand the pain. Other times, validation is more challenging. Here is an example of good validation:

Teresa (looking anxious): I can't play tennis with you today. I just found out my mother's coming to town next week.
Ed: You need to prepare for her visit?
Teresa: She's a neat freak! Every time she sets foot in my house, no matter how much I've cleaned, she thinks the house is dirty. She's so demanding.
Ed: So you're worried she's going to show up and think your house isn't clean enough. That's a lot of pressure. No wonder you don't feel like playing tennis.

Both of Ed's responses indicate that he's trying to understand Teresa's position. He begins by doing the work of putting two and two together: Teresa wants to cancel tennis today, and her mother's coming to town next week. He guesses correctly that Teresa feels she needs time to prepare. He doesn't bother to judge whether she actually does need that much time. The fact that she feels she does is sufficient.

Ed's second response indicates that he hears and understands Teresa's predicament. He also reads the emotional tone underlying what she says, and spells it out by guessing, "That's a lot of pressure." He then validates her by saying "No wonder you don't feel like playing tennis." Those two little words, "no wonder," are very validating when preceded by an accurate assessment of the person's experience.

Now, Ed may not think it's reasonable for Teresa to cancel today, and he may not believe that she should - or will - spend an entire week cleaning her house for her mother's arrival. But he knows that Teresa feels too stressed right now to play tennis, and that's the reality of the moment. He chooses to let her know he understands her (even if he himself wouldn't feel the same way). He does not need to agree, just to understand how the circumstances are affecting Teresa.

Ironically, given this dollop of validation from Ed, Teresa may start to feel better. She may even reverse her decision not to play tennis with him today, saying something like, "Maybe I'm overreacting. I can afford a few hours to play tennis with my boo."

If you felt resistance to validating Teresa in the above example, you're not alone. Chances are if you feel that way toward Teresa, you're quite a stern judge of your own emotions, and you believe that you're not allowed to have a particular feeling unless it's justified by the facts. Let's look at another way this conversation is likely to go in the real world:

Teresa (looking anxious): I can't play tennis with you today. I just found out my mother's coming to town next week.
Ed: How come you can't play today if she's coming next week?
Teresa: She's a neat freak! Every time she sets foot in my house, no matter how much I've cleaned, she thinks the house is dirty. She's so demanding.
Ed: So, what, are you going to spend an entire week cleaning the house for her? Make her stay in a hotel.

In this scenario, Ed focuses on the facts - first the timeline (today's game vs. next week's visit), then the ridiculousness of spending so much energy cleaning for a finicky houseguest, even if it is Teresa's mother. He does not appear to notice Teresa's troubled feelings, and he goes into problem-solving mode ("Make her stay in a hotel") instead of simply being with Teresa in her distress. Consequently, Teresa feels even worse about the situation after talking to him about it.

To validate someone is to voluntarily walk in their shoes for a moment. They may see things very differently than you, and they may overreact or underreact according to your personal standards of behavior. The point is to understand their experience, and to let them know it makes sense to you, given the way they see the situation. In other words, judgment is the enemy of validation.

The reward of validating others is that you will be seen as friendly, caring and likable. You'll also develop more compassion for your own idiosyncracies, if need be. After all, there's nothing right or wrong about your feelings. Remember, feelings are different from behavior. Again, see the article About Anger for more on this distinction.