Self-esteem is one of the most confusing concepts in psychology, because there are a number of different measures for it,
and there's no one definition that is universally accepted.
My take on it is that self-esteem is not a
measure of self-acceptance or self-approval, but of willingness.
To have high self-esteem is to
be willing to express your authentic self. This is the natural state of the human psyche, before we learn that we
are only conditionally acceptable to others.
The people with the highest self-esteem on the planet are infants.
They don't worry about whether it's okay that they're crying, nor are they frightened or intimidated by other
humans. As soon as they can clearly see, they stare full-on at others in curiosity and smile widely with affection at strangers.
Babies are charming in their self-possession. We love them because they ARE love. That is what high self-esteem looks like.
It should be noted that babies are naturally self-centered too. For instance, they don't ask how your
day was before they demand to be fed. This is a function of their immaturity, not of high self-esteem.
If self-esteem equates to willingness to be who we actually are, it's easy to understand why it's so important to
give children an experience of acceptance; if they learn that who they really are is not only acceptable but valued, they
will be willing to express that authentic self throughout their lives. And there is nothing quite so sublime as experiencing
and sharing one's authenticity.
By the way... This is not an edict against disciplining children! They do need
and desire guidance on how to behave appropriately in a social environment. When disciplining children, their behavior should
always be separated from their essential selves. It is not the child who is undesirable, it is the particular behavior he's
engaging in at the moment.
