The notion that constant praise raises self-esteem in children
(or adults) is based on the mistaken idea that boosting one's ego is the same as creating genuine self-esteem.
In reality, praise is effective only when it is meaningful; that is, when it's appropriate and specific. For example,
"Mariela, you are sitting very attentively and listening well" is appropriate if Mariela is doing those things,
and it provides her with specific information about what it is she's doing well. She can take in that information and
know that it's true, and use it to decide how to behave in the future.
On the other hand, constant and vague
praise of the "You are so wonderful" variety is disorienting to kids, who wonder what exactly it is about
them that's so wonderful, and why you chose that particular moment to express your delight in them. When the praise
is constant, it becomes meaningless. Children sense realistically that constant, vague praise doesn't really have
to do with them personally, and so it fails to affect them positively. On the negative side, they may end up feeling invisible,
since nothing they do affects how they're viewed.
Even worse, when praise received is not merited (e.g., "You're
such a good reader" when the child is obviously struggling), the child feels confused and, again, invisible. If
he can be praised even when he's failing, the world really is a very confusing place. Using praise as motivation is fine
when the praise is appropriate and specific; e.g., "You are putting such a lot of effort into improving your reading.
I'm proud of you for trying so hard."
