There is a common misconception that goes
something like this:
Examining your childhood in therapy = blaming your parents.
This popular myth
is often accompanied by statements like, "The past is over and done. What's the point of dredging up painful
memories? You can't change history," and the ever-popular, "You're an adult now; take responsibility for your own
problems and stop playing the victim."
The reason many therapists are interested in your childhood is not
so that we can help you place blame, or try to change the past. Placing blame is hardly constructive, and changing the past
is obviously impossible.
So why look at childhood?
The answer may surprise you: We look at childhood
for clues that will help you take responsibility for improving your own life now. Remember the rule: You can't change what
you don't acknowledge. If it never happened, it's not a problem, and if it's not a problem, why fix it? You must acknowledge
what happened and accept where you are now because of it, before you can move on.
I'm going to use the term "parents"
here to represent a single parent, or any primary caregiver(s) - basically, the person or people who raised you.
When you were a child - small, helpless and vulnerable - you received messages from your parents. No matter how close or
distant your parental ties, how much they talked or didn't talk, you received definite messages from your parents about all
sorts of things. Sometimes the message was simply, "We don't talk about that subject."
Whether tacit
or overt, you learned about yourself, others, and the world through your parents' eyes. You relied on them to help you
make sense of things. Their behavior sometimes helped, sometimes hindered, your ability to trust yourself and others.
In the table below are just a token few of the countless messages children receive
from their caregivers through years of contact. Do any of them seem familiar?
Positive Messages
Negative Messages
Your feelings and needs are important You are
attractive, inside and out You have talent Your opinion counts It's normal to mess up sometimes You can
succeed if you put your mind to it You are likable and fun to be with It's okay to cry when you're sad It's
not necessary to be perfect If you ask for help, you'll often get it You don't have to win every time If you
speak up, you will be heard Life is to be enjoyed The world is basically a friendly place
Your feelings and needs don't matter You are
ugly, inside and out You have no talent Who cares what you think? Mistakes make you a loser You'll
never achieve anything You're irritating; annoying; a burden Showing emotion is a sign of weakness You
should strive for perfection in all things Never ask anyone for help; do it yourself Winning is everything Speaking
up is a waste of time; no one cares Life is to be endured The world is basically a dangerous place
All parents communicate ideas to their children, for better or worse, through their words
or their silence, through their actions or their refusal to act. Since all parents are human, and all humans
are imperfect, at least some of the messages you received from your parents and still carry with you are currently causing
you more harm than good.
Some of the faulty messages you got from your parents are undoubtedly running in the
back of your mind like the operating software on a computer, affecting your life in the present, though you're unaware
of them. These are like glitches in your personal software, and when they cause problems, it just feels normal to you - albeit
painful and confounding.
When we explore childhood experiences in therapy, these faulty messages - along with unexamined
hurts and disappointments that you may still be unconsciously protecting yourself against - can be brought out of the
shadows and viewed in the light of day. What was unconscious, becomes conscious. And only then can change occur.
Again, remember the rule: We can't change what we don't acknowledge. We look at childhood not to blame your parents, but
to search for clues to your present difficulties, so that you can use the knowledge to create a better life for yourself.
