You read that right: Anger
has never hurt anyone. "But what about homicide? Domestic violence? Barfights?" you ask. "Those are the results
of anger, and people definitely do get hurt."
People are hurt by aggression, not by anger. Anger is an emotion. It's a
feeling, like love, or regret, or joy. Feelings are internal experiences. They are not the same as behavior.
Unlike
anger, aggression is a behavior. People get hurt by aggression. But anger itself is only a feeling, and like any other feeling,
it's harmless in and of itself.
However, there are people who don't know what to do with their angry feelings.
Some of these people learned early in life that when they're angry, the thing to do is to lash out at people, things, or themselves.
They do damage with aggression and violence because they don't know what else to do with their anger.
Others who
never learned how to express anger in a healthy way, just keep it inside, turning it on themselves and therefore
becoming depressed. Or they develop a very negative outlook on life that feeds the simmering anger inside. Feelings that can't
be expressed do internal damage, but they never hurt anyone else. Only behavior is hurtful; and a feeling is not
a behavior.
Because so many people have difficulty expressing anger appropriately, our culture has an inordinate
fear of anger. There is even research "proving" that expressing anger leads only to more anger, and is counter-therapeutic.
The fact is, angry people get more and more angry only when they feel like nobody hears or cares about their feelings. When
one's expression of any feeling is acknowledged, understood and accepted by others, de-escalation occurs naturally.
If you're uncomfortable with anger because of your own, or someone else's, fear of this emotion, below is some information
for you to ponder.
Do
Don't
When you are angry...
Acknowledge that you are angry
Take responsibility
for your feelings: Use "I" statements like "I'm angry" instead of "You're ticking me off."
Find an appropriate physical outlet, such as running or pushups
Wait till you've cooled down before having important conversations
Ask for what you want, specifically (e.g., I would like a full refund)
Write
it down; express your feelings in writing
Use assertiveness skills to stand up
for yourself
Expect others to respond well, even to an appropriate expression
of anger
Use violence to express yourself
Resort
to name-calling or insults
Assume that your feelings are someone else's fault
Drive a vehicle before your head has cleared
Take any action
you might regret later
Try to suppress or ignore your anger indefinitely
When someone else is angry...
Listen to an angry person's account of why they are angry, even if you don't
agree about the facts
Try to see the situation from their point of view, and let
them know you understand
Remove yourself from the situation if you see the person
is getting out of control
Tell the person to calm down
Allow their
anger to ignite yours
Refuse to listen to them*
Taunt, shame, insult or ridicule them
Attempt to engage them in
a debate
* This depends on your goal. If
you're working on setting boundaries around how people treat you, you may want to inform the person that you'll speak
to them when they're calmer, and leave. However, if your goal is to facilitate their healthy expression of anger, letting
them know you're listening is the right thing to do.
NB: This table applies only in cases of ordinary anger
that is not the result of damage to the brain, neurochemical disorders, or other organic problems.
